I wrote this earlier at the beginning of the month. I wanted to get back to this blog, but was feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of … everything. I didn’t know how to talk about it. But over the time I have been doing so much investigation and now feel like I am starting to make sense of things even feel something close to normal again. I am going to start writing and posting. I thought I would still post this:
Why the Hesitation? [written 3 October 2014]
I have avoided writing this blog. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I think I have too much to say, and I don’t really know how to say much of it. I thought this blog would be about me and my exploration of a topic. I don’t know how to write this blog. I don’t know what this blog should be.
I have been doing a lot of reading – blogs, books, listening to podcasts, watching videos. This is tough going sometimes. Parts of it I have to do in small chunks.
I am currently reading Melanie Joy’s Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs, and Wear Cows as an audio book. I can only cope with it in small pieces. I dread putting on the headphones – I force myself to listen.
It crushes down on top of me, this huge, horrific, overwhelming horror that I am (or have been) contributing to. How did I ignore all this? How did I not even notice? How did I not connect the dots? What the hell did I think was going on?
Sometimes it is a struggle to get through the day with my “normal” mask firmly in place. It takes a concerted effort to not be different in my interactions with people. I feel a deep need to sort out all this chaos and turmoil behind the mask before I do or say more in my daily life. I don’t want to say things or do things I might later regret.
While searching online I found this blog post that hits me where I am at:
Someone sent Gary Francione (the blogger) an email:
“I really like your abolitionist position but I think you are too judgmental. I am a vegetarian and I know that going vegan is the right thing to do. I am on the journey towards being vegan. I think it’s wrong that you don’t give positive reinforcement to people like me and I think it ultimately hurts the cause.”
Here is part of the reply:
“Going vegan is not about anyone’s “journey.” It is remarkable how, in 2014, the observation of the most fundamental moral principles gets presented as a matter of narcissistic autobiography.”
I thought this blog would be my “narcissistic autobiography” – my own personal intellectual and behavioural experiment. I feel ashamed of myself for ever thinking like this.
The Joy of Food
Today we said Bon Voyage to a colleague off to Europe on his big OE. The lunch table staggering under the weight of brightly decorated cakes and spreads, of cheese, dips, chips and crackers. I looked at the table and realised there was nothing I wanted to eat.
How did we get this way? We put animals in everything we eat. Why did I once think this was food
The thing I didn’t expect when I started this was to rediscover food and the pleasure of making it. Knowing that I would be changing my eating behaviours I decided if I was going to go to all the effort of changing my diet, why not change it to be healthy?